I am in a vortex of obligation.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
