I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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