High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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