Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
