he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
