When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
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