I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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