dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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