Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
