Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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