I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
