Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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