omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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