I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
