i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
