We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
