Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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