I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
