And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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