There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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