whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
