GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He has the fingertips of a God
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