So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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