Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
