i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
