he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
