So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
