well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
