The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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