Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
