Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
