Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
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