Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
