Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
