He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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