I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
