Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
no more duck duck goose at the bar
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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