I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
