Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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