we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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