I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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