fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I will pee on everything he values.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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