I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
