so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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