I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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