Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
