A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
