We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
