so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
