It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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