So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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