Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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