he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
