Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
