Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
