I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
