I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
