Whats the glycemic index on semen?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
