got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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