Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
