I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
