Betty ford says i'm here all night
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Holy shit dude........stairs
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