my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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