mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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