I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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