I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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